Yesterday at the playground I could tell M was working something out. He would look at the family next to us, three kids and their dad, then smile a little. I didn’t think much of it. He was more than content on the tire swing, so we just kept swinging. After a few minutes went by, he looked at me, smiled and said, “Their daddy is pushing them. That’s funny.”
“Why is that funny?”
“Just funny. M doesn’t have a daddy. M has two mamas. A Mama and an Ima,” as he threw back his head and laughed a big open mouth laugh as he continued to spin around while he flew back and forth.
The other day, my mom told me that a friend of hers asked what we are going to tell M about not having a father. She apparently said it like “that poor thing”. We have always been honest with M about having two moms and not having a dad. Of course we will explain what a donor is one day, but M is being raised to know that there are all kinds of families. His Ima has one dad and no mom. I have a mom and a dad. He has friends with one mom, a mom and a dad, two moms, two dads. We surround ourselves with loving people from a variety of contexts. So, to my mother’s friend, we tell him he has two moms who love him more than anything. Seems to me, he’s gotten the message.
Posted in General Parenting, Gratitude, LGBT Family
Tagged artificial insemination, dad, donor, donor sperm, father, lesbian, lesbian parenting, lgbt, lgbt parenting, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, queer, queer parenting, toddler, toddler boy, toddlerhood, toddlers
“No, you can’t ask me how ‘we’ (meaning lesbians) get pregnant,” is what I should have said. I am so tired of people asking me that questions. As if the intimate details of my child’s conception is public domain. Have I EVER asked a straight woman how she got pregnant?
“Were you trying or not trying?”
“Did you use a condom? Did the condom break?”
“Where were you when you got pregnant? On the floor? In the bed?”
“Missionary position or were you on your knees?”
“Did it hurt or did you like it?”
Instead, I said, “No, I don’t mind if you ask.” But I do. I really, really do mind if you ask. I don’t mind if you are queer and are doing research for your own process, but if you are straight and especially if you don’t know me very well, IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS how my son was conceived. If you are so fucking curious about how two women could possibly get pregnant, Google it.
(Sorry I said fuck so much. It is a great word that feels appropriate tonight.)
Posted in Being Non-gestational, Insemination
Tagged artificial insemination, donor sperm, how do lesbians get pregnant?, intrusion of personal space, lesbian, lesbian parenting, lgbt, lgbt parenting, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, personal space, public perception, queer, queer parenting
I have been waiting for it to happen. Thought a lot about what I would say and how I might react. Maybe I have even rehearsed a little in the shower when no one else was listening. Today, someone made a comment about M’s ‘mom and dad’ in front of him.
The funny thing was, the person who made the comment (though her memory is faulty) has met me at least five times over the last months and knew me by name and face about 15 years ago. While she might not remember all things about me, she should remember my very queerness. She works in a local bookstore that I frequent (where I am also known for winning a contest there not too long ago). Small, independent bookstore with a cafe. Got it?
So, I am there with M. She walks over and I say, “Hi, Veronica*.” She smiles at me and says hello to M, not even a glimmer of recognition.
“You are so cute! What is your name?”
“M,” he replies.
“That is such a nice name,” she follows-up. “Your mom and dad named you well!”
Without missing a beat, I say with a smile, “He doesn’t have a dad.”
“Oh. I mean your mom, then.”
“He has two moms.”
“Oh. I guess I should start saying ‘parents’.”
And that was the end of it. We have trained M to know that he has “two mamas” and that he does not have a dad. I look forward to him being a little older and being able to quickly verbalize this reality. I think it will be fun to watch people’s reactions. Is that so wrong?
I am pretty sure that this won’t be the last time someone makes a comment about his ‘dad’. I often wait for it when people remark about how tall he is or his beautiful blue-gray eyes. “Does he get that from his father?” I expect, though it has never happened.
When I think about what I want to give my son, I think about resiliency. I want to raise a resilient child who is able to deal with a multitude of situations and people. I guess this is just the beginning.
Posted in Being Non-gestational, Public Perception
Tagged appearance, artificial insemination, dad, lesbian, lesbian parenting, lgbt parenting, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, public perception, queer, queer parenting
I decided it was time to find a doctor in my new home town. I am rarely sick enough to need a doctor, but I am getting older and need to start thinking about being connected when things on my body start to break and breakdown.
It was a two hour wait. “No! This never happens. She is usually right on time,” They assured me. The nurse took me back and explained that there had been an emergency. He didn’t introduce himself, but was pleasant enough so I asked him his name.
“Scott. She’ll be right in to see you.”
After another fifteen minutes, she came in and was as sweet as pie. She was wearing a HUGE diamond cross around her neck, so I immediately felt a little reserved. I told her about S and that we have been together for more than 16 years. Then she noticed we have a son but I have never been pregnant, “Is he yours or did you adopt him?”
“Well. Both, actually. He is mine and I did adopt him because the archaic laws in this country make me have to take extra legal steps to prove my relationship to this being I helped create. Breathe. And, even if we had not created him together and he had grown in a stranger’s womb halfway around the world, he would still be mine,” I thought to myself in the nano-second following her gaffe.
It is always interesting how it is the little things people say, often well intentioned, that seem to trigger the deepest reactions in me. I don’t care about vocal opponents to marriage equality or about those stupid people who picket soldiers’ funerals. What hurts is opening yourself up just a little and having someone not really see you.
“He is ours,” I say. “My partner gave birth to him.”
“OH! That is so COOL!” she exclaimed as if the idea had never occurred to her.
A few awkward questions later (awkward for me, not her), we had moved on to other topics. She really was very nice and seemed to be trying really hard. I guess I just look forward to the day when people don’t have to try so hard.
Posted in Being Non-gestational, Legal Issues, Public Perception
Tagged artificial insemination, biology, gestation, lesbian, lesbian parenting, lgbt parenting, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, queer, queer parenting
We just moved to a smaller place. In an effort to downsize, we spent hours (if not days) combing through the huge stacks of papers that has followed each of us since graduate school. Drudged through that box of random crap that never got unpacked from the last time we moved. Through this process, S and I uncovered love letters from early in our courtship. We found copies of our marriage certificate that had been hiding for at least a few months. We found dog toys, baby toys, fancy paper clips, extra batteries and those special rocks I had picked up somewhere sometime ago that I just couldn’t part with. And then, S found the green folder. You see, the green folder is where we stored all of the information when we were donor shopping. Contained within the tattered covers is all that we know about M’s donor.
Obviously (if you have been reading this blog), I have thought a lot about his donor. Wondering if his donor is the cause of his blond curls or blue-gray eyes. Wondering if M will be musical, like his donor. But somehow, these thoughts always make his donor seem more like an enigma. Opening that folder, I remembered that he is a real person. Some faceless person in the crowd: maybe the guy who ordered his coffee right before you did yesterday morning. Maybe we will never know what he looks like. Maybe he will break his family’s heart and be killed in a car accident like another donor we know of, closing the door for my son to ever know him. Opening that folder, I remembered that M’s donor seems funny (on paper, that is) and young. So young. Too young to have made the decision he did.
And then, it happened. Unexpectedly and without premeditation, I took the information we have and…I…I…Googled him. I did! It was like I couldn’t stop myself! On track and determined to see his face with hopes he looks nothing like my son, I spent more than an hour entering different combinations of the information, with and without his birth month and year (1987, for those of you who care. 1987! That makes him now 25 years old.) Thinking some aspect of what he told the sperm bank would be unique parts of his personality that would make him stand out amongst the billions of people in the world. I got nothing. Not a thing. No pictures. No Facebook page. No magazine articles about how he is out trying to save the world. Nothing. And…I was relieved. I can continue to assume that M got his blond hair from my side of the family and this his blue-gray eyes come from S’s middle eastern heritage. All I had to do was close that green folder and he went back to being a faceless person in the crowd.
Of course, we want M to be able to connect with his donor when he is older and, of course, that will open a while new can of worms. But for now, S and I are the ones who made him, blond curls and blue-gray eyes and sly smile and cautious approach to most things. We did that.
Posted in Anonymous Donor, Being Non-gestational, Child's Appearance, General Parenting, Uncategorized
Tagged anonymous, anonymous donor, anonymous sperm donor, artificial insemination, donor, donor sperm, donor stalking, lesbian, lesbian parenting, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, queer, queer parenting
If everything had worked out the first time, S and I would be the parents of a 3½ year old, but we wouldn’t have M. When S was pregnant the first time, I shouted from the rooftops to anyone who would listen that we were having a baby. A BABY! I bought little shoes and sweet smelling creams and, when the “danger zone” had passed, posted on Facebook. The day we went in to hear the heartbeat for the first time, I felt like I had taken caffeine pills. As that excitement coursed through my veins, I watched the color drain from S’s face. She already knew the baby was never going to be. I held her hand and tried to get her to look in my eyes, but she just kept looking past me, searching for something beyond either of us. I can remember calling my best friend from the parking lot of the midwives’ office bawling as S continued to live in her body with the remaining “product of conception”. It took about a month for whatever was in her womb to leave. S could hardly move some days and there was nothing I could do to make it better. Yes, I too was deeply grieving the loss of this much planned and already adored baby, but I could get away from it all. I wasn’t living with the betrayal of my own womb or the physical pains that served as a constant reminder. I, the great protector, wanted to engulf S in me and make the pain duller so that at least she could breathe. But I couldn’t do any of that, so I bought chocolate cake. HUGE, thick, gooey slices of 1000+ calorie chocolate cake. Two forks, chocolate cake and silence. And that was all I could do. I kept telling myself that it would all make sense one day. That wasn’t the right body for our baby’s soul. It wasn’t the right time. Now was the time for chocolate cake.
There were many days after the miscarriage that no one asked how I was doing. I put on a brave face and talked about S and her struggles. Most of the time, people just thought about her and her empty uterus. I think that is what I did, too. I got so caught up with taking care of S and pretending to move forward that I didn’t stop to think about how I really was doing. The truth was, I didn’t know how I was. I didn’t know how I felt. I didn’t know how to move through the world as the non-gestational parent in this situation. There were no resources for me. No support groups where we lived. So, I kept pretending I was fine like I thought I was supposed to be, keeping in mind my mantra of, “This will all make sense one day.”
When we started getting ready to try again, it all felt different. It was as if had a keener sense of what was at stake. It was hope for the future and brighter days. It was beyond just our family, but became about the love we were ready to share with the world in the form of our child. Our child. I still lived with a ball in my gut where I stored my grief, but I had become so good at hiding it that I sometimes even forgot it was there.
M was conceived on the first anniversary of the due date for the pregnancy we lost. Some days, I like to think that he was waiting for us all along: that he had been in that previous body and it just didn’t feel right. Sometimes, thinking like that makes me feel better. To be honest, I don’t think about the miscarriage much anymore. If I really went there, I think I could let go of some of that ball of grief in my belly. Now that M is here, that ball serves as a daily reminder to what we have and what it took to get here. M is a beautiful boy. He is funny and spunky and so intrigued by everything in this world. He brings light into every day, even when he is cranky. I can look into his wide blue eyes and honestly say it all makes sense.
PS. When I shared this with S before I posted, I mentioned that I thought it was weird that I wrote this today, Sept. 5th, as I haven’t thought about any of this in a long time. Then she reminded me that today is the anniversary of not hearing the heartbeat. I must have remembered on a cellular level.
Posted in General Parenting, Pregnancy Loss
Tagged anonymous donor, anonymous sperm donor, artificial insemination, donor, donor sperm, lesbian, lesbian parenting, miscarriage, non-bio, non-bio mom, pregnancy loss, queer, queer parenting, toddlerhood
Earlier this week, I scanned my Facebook news feed to see an NBC news story that the FDA was slated to ban gay men from donating sperm to sperm banks.* Like many people I “shared” the story on my FB page outraged by the ignorance and bigotry in this imposed regulation. The reasoning behind it, as one spokesperson from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine was cited as saying in the article: “you can’t be too careful [in taking measures to reduce the spread of HIV].” As a former sex educator for a large reproductive and sexual health organization, I know full well that one’s sexual orientation is not the issue, but that certain sexual behaviors- unprotected anal sex in particular- are higher risk for spreading HIV and other STIs. Plenty of heterosexual couples engage in anal sex, but are straight men being cut off from entering cryogenics clinics (a related irk: the story referred to “homosexual sex”- there is no such thing people; there are different sexual acts that people of all sexual orientations engage in)? Shouldn’t they just ask would-be donors about recent sexual practices if they’re concerned about higher risk behaviors and then screen the semen for infections (really the only way to know for sure)?
There was also another part of me- for admittedly selfish reasons- that found myself having a moment of panic: our donor is a gay man. We have been hoping to use the same donor a few years from now so that I could try to get pregnant. Although we inseminated at home, I suddenly found myself scanning my brain, wanting reassurance that there wasn’t going to be a roadblock to this plan. What if we need to call upon the medical establishment for a little help when that time comes… will we reach an impasse? Some sperm banks, such as Rainbow Flag Health Services, actively recruit gay and bisexual donors. Although Rainbow Flag’s plan is to continue doing so for the time being since the ban is not currently being seen as a law, but rather a strong recommendation (if I’m following this correctly), will this affect their organization and scare some clients from using their services? I know for us, and many other friends we know, we were particularly drawn to our donor because he is a gay man. He seemed to understand and have increased sensitivity around the needs of our queer family-to-be. I would be incredibly disappointed if we weren’t able to work with him again as a donor. Also, I have been overjoyed at the thought of being able to conceive with the same donor who my partner was able to create our daughter with. I know this is edging into controversial territory, but I love the thought of my daughter being biologically connected to her sibling. I say that not because I think biology is the seminal part of what connects people together, but because my spouse and I are not able to create a baby together and I love the notion of my gestational child having some of the features of their big sister and her of them. In my mind, it’s as close as my spouse and I can get to being able to actually create a baby together (although I feel like I was a part of my non-gestational daughter’s conception process and pregnancy for sure).
I guess for the time being we’ll just have to keep fighting the good fight and hope that the FDA will see the scientific error of their ways and remove this discriminatory regulation that doesn’t breed safety, but rather ignorance and bigotry.
Posted in Anonymous Donor, Being Non-gestational, Insemination, Known Donor, Legal Issues
Tagged anonymous sperm donor, artificial insemination, donor, donor sperm, insemination, known donor, lesbian parenting, non-bio mom, non-gestational, queer parenting