When someone pisses me off, it is my natural inclination to gather as much space between us and to not talk to them until I am not angry anymore. Being in a relationship of 16+ years, I learned along the way to sometimes make allowances, especially if your partner gets clingy when you are mad at her. Still, I like to run away and hide.
Since M was born, I have fought against that part of my nature. I want to be able to show M that you can talk about your feelings and that you don’t have to run away from a confrontation. Tonight, however, really tested me. M told me he doesn’t love me. He followed that up with telling me I should go live in another house. It wasn’t just once, but several times over the period of an hour. I told him he was hurting my feelings and that it wasn’t nice to say that to me. He didn’t care. He decided he loves Ima and not me.
I understand that he is a kid with very little reasoning ability, but the stay-at-home mom part of me was pretty furious about this statement. If it wasn’t for me, my kid would be naked and so full of carbs (S can make toast and cereal) and his sheets would never be changed. This is not ragging on S. She does lots of things to make our family work, but she doesn’t do those things.
I think it is really only when you become a parent that you truly appreciate the people who raised you. They didn’t always get it right, as we won’t. We will probably tell our kids they can’t go to a concert or date that guy or ride a bike without a helmet. There will be days when our kids can’t stand us and we, them. But when the day comes that they are able to truly appreciate all that we have done for them, that will be a marvelous day.
Until then, I will continue to bathe and feed and clothe my child, regardless of where he tells me I should live. I will try to not run away and will try to understand his developmental stage. But when he goes to bed, like tonight, I might take some of the sting of his comments away with a big glass of wine or some chocolate, even if I have to run to the store to get it.
Posted in Preference for Gestational Mother, stay at home parent, Toddlerhood
Tagged lesbian, lesbian parenting, lgbt, lgbt parenting, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, preference for bio-mom, preference for gestational mom, primary caregiver, queer, queer parenting, raising toddler, stay-at-home mom, toddler rejection, toddlerhood, toddlers
Tonight, I did it. In a hurried moment, I didn’t even think twice. I just got in my car and drove to Home Depot wearing socks and Crocs. That is who I am now. I am the parent who has so little time some days that all sense of what is right and wrong has gone out the window. I confess, I did that.
Beyond my obvious fashion failure today (and really, no offense meant if this is part of your daily ensemble), I was aware of how quickly time is passing. Day to-day, minutes are full of household chores, new discoveries and adventures and squeezing in couple time which usually revolves around Downton Abbey these days. Week to week and month to month, I lose little pieces of who my son was in those moments, now swallowed by who he is becoming.
My boy said something funny last night as he was falling asleep, “Ima. M needs to talk. When M is a grown-up, I want to drink beer. That’s ok M do that.” Beyond just being a funny thing for a 2 1/2 year old to say, it was also poignant. I pictured my grown son with his facial hair and tattoos (cause if you know him, you know it’s coming), sitting next to me at the bar. I know that I will blink and we will be there for real.
Today, I am reminded to slow down, to stop and take a second to absorb the seconds, to breathe deeply because this will all pass so quickly. Maybe, if I take a moment to do these things, I will remember to take my socks off before I leave the house.
Posted in General Parenting, stay at home parent
Tagged lesbian, lesbian parenting, lgbt, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, primary caregiver, queer, queer parenting, socks with crocs, stay-at-home mom
Today, like other days, I was Craving alone time. I woke up in a bad mood and felt grumpy most of the day. All I wanted was a little time to close a door and maybe snooze a little or take a nice, hot bubble bath. Instead, I didn’t sit down until 7:00 p.m. Cleaning the house, washing diapers, running errands, mowing the yard, fixing dinner. That was my day. After we ate, M and S decided to go for a walk and I was SO grateful. A few minutes on Fakebook…I mean Facebook…then off to the tub. No audience, no tub companions. And the water was REALLY hot. The only problem: after a few minutes I started to miss my family and kept listening for their voices to come in the door. I guess I am addicted to them (mostly to my boy…S and I do time away pretty well).
My mom is back in action after having her hip replaced 2 months ago. She came over today to hang out with M so I could get stuff done around the house. She mentioned that she is ready to start watching him more regularly. She said she and my dad would come take him for story-time at the local library on Thursday and then she could put him down for a nap. I told her that it was too much, too soon. She asked, “You don’t trust me?” I said, “No. I am not ready to be away from him that much.”
I have grown accustomed to our days together. We have a good rhythm going that makes me happy. I have been able to have M join me in a few of the things I do for me. He is great at stirring whatever concoction I am brewing in the kitchen. He has potted flowers and played in the dirt while I planted a garden. We go for walks and play in our fantastic yard. While S is at work, we are a unit.
I know it won’t always be this way and that it is good for him to branch out. I just don’t want to miss anything.
Posted in General Parenting, stay at home parent
Tagged lesbian, lesbian parenting, lgbt, lgbt parenting, non-bio, non-bio mom, non-gestational, primary caregiver, queer, queer parenting, stay-at-home mom, toddler, toddler boy, toddlerhood, toddlers