Last week the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. This historic move will grant same-sex couples in states where queer marriage is legal federal recognition. Couples like me and my spouse in the liberal state of Massachusetts, for example. We should jump for joy, right? We can now file our taxes jointly and glean the same financial benefits straight, married couples do. We can get on the same health insurance and not be slapped with a hefty fee (likely around $2000-3000 for our family) come tax time because of being a same-sex couple and getting fined the discriminatory “imputed income” fee. We can have the peace of mind knowing that our family is recognized not just in our teeny-tiny, east coast state, but on a federal level too. Partly, we did celebrate, it’s a big deal, it’s progress. But it is only that- progress- and not a full swing to something fully just and liberatory.
And that brings me to my dear friend, fellow blogster, and non-gestational mama, Betsy. She’s awesome, right? Her family is awesome, right? We love them. They are clearly raising their little guy with care, integrity, and love. COOL. Besides sharing a blog, Betsy and I also share several things in common amongst our families and I’m not just talking about the obvious ones like how we both are queer or how we’re non-gestational, non-bio mothers. We share small, but strange, coincidences that I think are a mystical sign of our connection, like the fact that we have many family dates in common (as in, dates on the calendar): anniversaries that overlap with birthdays, etc. But even more central to this post, we share the fact that we both were married in Massachusetts to our dear sweeties, we both had our children and filed for second-parent adoption in Massachusetts, but have most of our family living in western North Carolina. Betsy and her family moved there soon after their son was born to be closer to them- totally understandable. My parents are lucky if they see my daughter two times a year- something that I know pains both us and them even though we cherish the time we do have together. We have chosen not to move there for a number of reasons, but I do feel sad thinking about how my parents and my sister and her family, won’t get regular connection with my daughter and our family. It’s a sacrifice. Here’s the thing though: remember what I started talking about… DOMA? Families in North Carolina, including my dear friend Betsy’s, won’t get to benefit from DOMA being stricken down because NC never did recognize or grant same-sex marriages. And although Betsy and her spouse are all set with “second-parent adoption” (hate that term) rights for Betsy since they filed in MA before they moved, couples who have their child/ren in NC and stay there can’t file for second-parent adoption rights so that the non-gestational parent is protected because NC is one of the few states in the nation that doesn’t allow for same-sex second parent adoption.
So while we were all parading around Facebook with gleeful posts, singing in the streets, and hugging each other after the Supreme Court’s decision, these families, sadly, were still in the exact same position they were before (or at least things are murky for them in this regard). It’s important to recognize this because I can already see how it could be easy to stop here; to say we’re about to cross through the finish line of this race towards queer liberation, but we’re not. And of course there’s the reality that even if marriage were granted to all same-sex couples, regardless of where they lived, that there are still so many other hurdles to be overcome for queers. Marriage equality was never where our fight stopped.
Tonight, a week past DOMA, I am recognizing the privilege that I have as a queer person living in Massachusetts. I have so many privileges- race, class, ability, and more- but I also have this privilege now.