My son is obsessed with things that light up the night: glow sticks, solar powered lights, headlamps. Tonight, he decided that he would don his headlamp in order to play in the dark. He then proceeded to turn a bookshelf we are about to get rid of into “bunk beds” for his stuffed friends. He brought out blankets for each one and tucked them in. It is amazing to watch how his mind is developing. The empathy he shows is astounding.
This has been a tough week in our house. Besides my dad’s stroke, M was sick with a fever for several days. We are also ass deep in the joy that is IVF. That is part of why I haven’t written much this week. When life gets hard, I retreat. IVF is hard. There are twists and turns and unexpected phone calls that can make or break one’s day or hopes.
It was our choice to pursue IVF. After the last miscarriage, we were down to two vials of sperm from the same donor as M. The fear of running out became much more of a reality. IVF, theoretically, will give us many more chances to have another child who shares the same biology as M. I don’t know why this is important to me, but it is. There is already this man (the donor) we don’t know in our lives. The thought of choosing another donor and bringing another stranger into the fold is nauseating. It feels too complicated.
So we chose IVF. We chose to spend a tremendous amount of money out-of-pocket (well, we took out a loan) for this one chance at creating the family we envision. And I am scared. I am scared it won’t work. I am scared that we won’t have that table full of our children and their families at Thanksgiving 2043. M is enough. Having him is enough, I tell myself over and over again. Though, sometimes the love I have for him is so much, I know that I have to share it with another child or it will swallow us all whole.
M learned to whistle this week. Really whistle. I don’t think I learned that until I was twenty. I learn so much from him everyday. The joy that pours out of him is infectious. So tonight, when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed by all of the what ifs, I have decided to take a cue from my boy. I am going to put on his headlamp and spend some time whistling in the dark. I think that will help.