The Nanny

Sometimes, I feel like the nanny.  After S returned from being out of town for a few days, M can’t get enough of her.  He wants to nurse and snuggle on her to no end.  Right now, he is sick.  He came down with an instant cold after playing in the rain for an hour yesterday.  All he wants is S.  He woke up from his nap every twenty minutes today, sobbing for Ima. He would flail his arms about and squeak out through the ears, “No Mama.  Go away.  Ima!  Ima!”  He knew full well that she was at work.  He just knew he wanted her more than me.

This is the part of being a non-gestational parent that is tough.  He gets something from her that he can never get from me and I can’t help but think that came from being in her womb.  He gets a lot from me.  I know that.  But there are just some intangibles that I can’t replicate.  It is hardest when he is sick or hurts himself and wants her and not me.  In those moments, it doesn’t matter that I am home with him day after day, wiping his butt, making him food, teaching him fun things.  He just wants her.

When I think about the important people in my life, I know that I get things from each of them that the others might not be able to give me.  I love them all just the same.  I am hoping this is what goes on with M.  He loves me deeply, but sometimes he just wants her.  I get it.  And it still hurts.

-Betsy

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3 responses to “The Nanny

  1. I don’t know if it is a gestational parent thing because I birthed my kids and they (especially Seo) wants Alex more most of the time. He just left for a weekend and I basked in being the sole parent because of this. I hear the “I want Dada, not yooooooouuuu, not yooooouuuuu Mama” every day. It hurts, but I comfort myself by knowing how lucky he is to have two loving parents to chose from. And one day I (and you) might have something different to offer, and they might need us in that moment over the other parent. (((hugs)))

  2. I often wanted one parent over the other as a child (usually my mom, even though my dad was the stay at home parent for a while because he worked night shift) and I’m 27 now and feel equally close with both parents. As long as M knows you always unconditionally love him, I have a feeling he will grow out of this and you will find that you have a closeness with him that lasts the rest of your lives.

  3. Oh, I so feel you on this one, and have experienced similar things myself many, many times. My partner (birth mother) is the one my kiddo turns to for comforting most often, despite the fact that for the last two years (of a 2.5 year old life) I’ve done more childcare, I’ve gotten her through potty training, I’m teaching her about making food in the kitchen, etc.. When my kiddo wakes up in the night she often asks for the other parent, and if I go in, she screams for my partner, and it is incredibly frustrating.

    I, too, am just taking it on faith that there will be situations in the future when something about the particular nature of our relationship will be what she needs. It’s hard.

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