Getting Real

Lately I’ve been especially paranoid that something bad is going to happen to my daughter.  Admittedly, I struggle with anxiety, but this is beyond it’s usual scope.  I feel a tad bit paranoid.  I didn’t want to say anything to anyone about it, because some even more paranoid part of me felt like giving it voice would make it happen.  Finally, I mentioned it to my dear colleague one day, because it was really weighing on me and she has kids ranging in ages from pre-teen to adult, so I thought she might have some sound advice.  Don’t parents usually go through this more during infancy (you know the scenario- checking the sleeping baby five times to make sure they’re breathing)?  My daughter is inching in on three years old.  She’s a tot, but she’s very capable; sturdy even.  My colleague is such a lovely, thoughtful person who is a also an incredibly good listener (I suppose those three things go hand-in-hand, right?).  She listened to me share what has been going on for me, paused, and said exactly what I needed to hear: “I bet you never thought you could love a child so much, huh?”  That was it exactly.  I love her so much, it scares me.  And honestly, you really can’t ever know how big and overwhelming and terrifying that love is until you are a parent.  It’s hard to wrap your heart around.  I hate to admit this, but maybe I didn’t fully see that coming as a non-gestational, non-biological parent, even though of course I hoped it would.  

I love her so big and I’m breathing through this experience called parenthood.

– Charlotte

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3 responses to “Getting Real

  1. I didn’t see it coming either, I still cannot believe I lived so long and loved so much, and had no idea what the emotions could be. -happen to be a gestational and gestating again! Parent. With love and empathy.

  2. You are not alone! My partner is going through the same sort of thing. She’s constantly worried about something happening to our daughter. She’s not as paranoid as I am, my psychologist once told me I was an “anxious patient” but she is pretty paranoid. I’m sure she didn’t expect to love that little one as much as she does being the non-bio mama. You are not alone! Hang in there!

  3. Thanks Rachael and Youme! It really does make me feel not so alone with this to know that it something other parents go through. Now if we can all just make it through the years they’re learning how to drive (Lordy help me).

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