Taking Stock

Maybe it’s because it was recently Thanksgiving and I was reflecting on what I’m grateful for, or maybe it’s because I have days more often than I like to admit where I feel frustrated with how much harder it is to actually live as the parent I want to be- whatever the reason- I have been taking stock in the last few days about my experience over the last 2.5+ years as a parent.  When my spouse was pregnant with our daughter I found myself, as the non-gestational parent, doing preparatory things that perhaps are commonplace if you’re not the one literally carrying the load… I made lists.  I know what inspiration feels like on a visceral level because I get this giddy feeling in my stomach and have this sense of openness and possibilities.  I had that feeling with this list.  It all centered around things I wanted to do with my not-yet-born kid once they were here in this world.  I spent so much time coming up with that list, and yet once my daughter actually was born, I was too consumed with, well, being a parent, to even remember that old list existed.  I nearly forgot about it until something having to do with gardening snagged a note in my mental roladex (did I really just reference that?  yes, I am the last standing person without a smart phone or ipad. whatevs).  Today, I am taking stock and bringing that list up to see the light of day.

Here are some of the items on it and my current thoughts about each one:

  • I wanted to garden with my child (should they be even remotely interested).  Not surprisingly, I haven’t been able to do this yet with my daughter, unless you count the child-size garden tools we bought her that she’s expressed very little interest in as a step in the right (or wrong) direction. I don’t feel too bad about this particular “to do” with her only being two and a half years old.  There’s time and my original visions of gardening with her in a sling nuzzled up against my chest while being exposed to the earth were perhaps a bit lofty.  I have friends who are amazing inspirations around this, actually sowing fields with bebe in tow, but they are full-time farmers, so it’s fair to say that they have a leg up on me.  Still, it’s good to have the reminder that this was a priority to me.  I think summer 2013 will be the first year my daughter is old enough to actually start that “children’s garden” I imagined with all her mis-matched, toddler picked out starter plants embedded in a plot of dark earth.  Farmer’s market here we come.  And this year I think I’ll actually make a raised bed like I’ve always wanted.  Yes, this summer it is.
  • I wanted to teach my child how to identify wild plants (especially medicinal and edible ones).  I am proud to say that at 2 years old my daughter can ID exactly four plants: chicory (the periwinkle flowers help and they’re featured in one of her books), red clover (her middle namesake and a family favorite), smart weed (which she loves to pick off and eat; it’s edible), and sedum (I have no idea why she remembers this one especially when there are tons of different varieties).  Check. I am one proud Mummy.
  • I wanted to expose my child to political activism.  Ok, I will admit that I feel like a bit of a failure on this front.  I’m not ripped up about it, it just didn’t shake out like how I pictured it. At least not yet anyhow. Unless you count that we have brought her to vote with us a couple of times, but somehow that doesn’t feel all that radical.  I wanted to be one of those parents who had their young one marching with them through the streets of DC protesting various social injustices, but so far that hasn’t happened.  We made two sincere attempts to go to the Occupy Wall Street protests last fall in NYC, but both times our entire family fell sick with colds.  The universe wasn’t having it and either were our immune systems.  Luckily there’s no shortage of things to protest.
  • I wanted to teach my child to know and love their body and be sex and body positive.  I am thrilled that our daughter knows the real names for her genitals, not referring to them as a “woo woo” or whatever other bizarre or inaccurate names people impart on them.  She calls her vulva a vulva and her labia, her labia (ok, we did call it her “babia”, pronounced “baby-uh” for a while… who could resist?).  She’s one cool kid.
  • I wanted to teach her to conserve resources.  I am still working on this one.  I don’t know that a 2 year old can really grasp why keeping the water turned on is not a totally awesome idea.  Fair enough.  Also, I’m not the best example with how much I drive my car and flip open the laptop.  work. in. progress.
  • I wanted to learn another language together, starting from a young age.  Maybe this is me putting my personal goal on my child.  Still, I can’t get that factoid from a Child Development class many moons ago out of my mind about how kids learn language most fluently before they are seven.  SEVEN!

I remember when my spouse was pregnant an old friend contacted me and said something like, “remember, you are going to have all these ideals that you’re going to want to live up to when you’re a parent and some of them aren’t going to happen… give yourself a break, it’s hard to know what parenting will really be like before you’re doing it.”  I still want to try to uphold many of my values and ideals, but damn if she didn’t have a good point.  Parenting is hard.  Like really, really hard.  And I do the best I can with the resources I have and sometimes it’s not me I see in that old list, but a projection of some me I want to be.  When I got that giddy feeling it wasn’t about trying to craft something that would be a tool for self-judgment if I couldn’t check each box, it was about things that excite me because I want to share them with my child… I want to show her the world and all the beauty in it. So maybe the list needs a little updating, some revisions inserted with a healthy dose of parental compassion… I think I’ll put that at the top of my list and go from there.

– Charlotte

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3 responses to “Taking Stock

  1. Making stock. How we love ourselves and one another while we are scared, or busy, or cleaning up messes, or exhausted seems to be a big part of this parenting/living experience. I happen to have the honor of knowing you, gardener, political and sex positive activist, I don’t know cual idiomas quisieras hablar, or if I wrote that correctly, but I know that you live your ideals and that sharing takes time. We live our politics, our children live and learn them with us. So much is learned from all of our interactions. We are gestating a little one now, it feels so different than the experience of our first child, if possible our fears/hopes our larger, I need a better adjective. Have you read Not Quite Nirvana by Rachel Neuman? Thic Nhat Han writes the introduction. I appreciate your writing about this tonight. Realizing collective dreams is of particular interest to me. Suddenly wondering about your thoughts on your relationship to your gestational and non gestational parents’ dreams for you…

    • Thich, I missed that last h. Learning languages, gardening, activism, all of these activities are continuous…like parenting 🙂

  2. Oh dear Youme, thank you for your comments! I will have to check out that book. It sounds great. Yes, it is such a process and thank you for the kind complement that I am living my ideals… I like to think at least some of them are coming through! You are an inspiration to me as a parent with your deep love and artistry that you radiate. I would love to talk with you more about our dreams as parents.

    xoxo!
    Charlotte

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